Tomorrow is the anniversary of the loss of my great grandmother. I can't believe it will be 6 years... it just doesn't seem possible. The hardest part for me was that I hadn't seen her for several months when she passed away... and she lived less than 20 minutes from me. I was so absorbed in high school, work, friends, myself and whatever that I just wasn't there for someone who really mattered. Every year I set aside time to remember her, I miss her... but I still wonder why. 6 whole years, and I still cannot forgive myself for being so selfish. Wondering if she knew how much she was loved or if she felt like I'd just abandoned her. The whole thing was surreal to me because it was the closest death of a loved one I'd ever experienced.
When I was younger and my dad was working (and my grandma- her daughter was too busy to watch me), I went to Great Grandma's house. She always kept ice cream sandwiches for me because she knew I loved them. She'd let me lay in her bed and have the tv all to myself. Every visit, without fail, I would take the hand towels out of her bathroom... and hide them from her. She knew all of these things were coming when I was around, and as a parent now, I can't imagine how dreadful I must've been. But she loved me, she prepared for me and we always laughed together about it. I never remember her losing her temper with me or even showing me how exhausted she was. I can't remember a time I went over there that we didn't have fun. When I was about 6 or 7, she took me to the pool that was up the street from their house... some kid made a floaty (poo poo) in the pool and thinking it was a leaf, my great grandma picked it up with her bare hand and set it on the side of the pool. Talk about laugh out loud moment. Everyone had to get out of the pool while they cleaned it and stuff... but I will NEVER forget that day. We just had a special relationship that I don't often hear about between GREAT grandparents and their grandbabies. Out of the 17 years she was in my life, I only ever remember seeing her lose her temper once... and, I'll be honest, it was kind of amusing to hear such a quiet, sweet woman using such a very.. umm... colorful word. We had different beliefs, but I know she loved God.. and she tried to live the way she should. She was married to my great grandfather for over 67 years- a true, shining example of what it means to stick with someone for better or worse.
When we lost her, I promised I'd never take my family for granted again. I am sad to say, I haven't been completely faithful to this promise. I've tried, but life gets in the way and that's not an excuse. It has also given me a lot of things to think about. I sometimes don't want to "drag out the markers" or the playdoh or whatever it may be. I don't want to make a mess that I'll have to clean up later. Then I realized.. that the memories my babies make are FAR more valuable than the 2-3 minutes it'll take me to pick up after the project of the day. It's not the gifts my grandma bought me or the places she took me (though I remember those also)... it's the time and love she blessed me with that were truly priceless. I owe her so much for those.. the same way I owe my children the opportunity to make those memories of their own, with Jer and I as well as with grandparents and great grandparents. They have so much to offer and it's so unfair for any child to be denied that. Not every grandparent will live to see their grandbabies have babies. Not every parent will see their child get married and start a family. With the mindset that everything is temporary, a few hours with a parent, grandparent or great grandparent become so much more precious.
I was the one who wrote and read the eulogy at her funeral (as well as my great grandfathers 3 weeks later). This is the poem that I read. It provided me with comfort and hopefully did the same for others.
When tomorrow starts without me
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today;
While thinking of the many things
We didn't get to say. know how much you love me
As much as I love you;
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand. She said my place was ready
In heaven far above;
And that I'd have to leave behind,
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye;
For all my life, I'd always thought
I didn't want to die. I
had so much to live for,
So much yet to do;
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad;
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.If I could relive yesterday
Just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Would take the place of me. And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss come tomorrow;
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates
I felt so much at home;
When God looked down and smiled at me
From His great golden throne. He said, "This is eternity
And all I've promised you;
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it all starts anew."
"I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
And since each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past."
"But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true;
Though at times you did do things,
You knew you shouldn't do."
"But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free;
So won't you take my hand
And share my life with me?" So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here in your heart.
Rest In Peace, Grandma. You are so loved and so missed. <3
I
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