Brightest nights or darkest days, I'll always feel the same way.

Ever have one of those life-altering moments that happens completely unexpectedly? Just catches you off guard? Where you have a choice to take the easy road or the choice to use a little self control and make a small, but important decision? I found myself at that crossroad tonight. I had my kids young. I had only been 20 for a month and a half when my son was born, and I had just turned 21 a few months before my daughter was born the following year. My dad is going to school for counseling and we had an interesting conversation a few months ago about how the prefrontal cortex of the brain doesn't develop until mid-20's (approximately age 25 for most women). This part of the brain controls our ability to make decisions based on possible consequences and outcomes, consider the reprocussions before acting, adjusting your behavior when a situation changes, adjusting your short term actions with long term goals, etc. So while I feel I've done the best I could as a mom and I know I haven't damaged my children for life, I feel that my maturity level as I'm getting older is making me a better mom. I wasn't always as understanding or patient as I should've been... I just set standards for how I felt my kids should act and expected it without really explaining why in the way I should've. When I learned that some of it actually does come with age, I became more aware of my thoughts, emotions and actions. Even without effort, I've beome more of a patient, calm, grounded individual. Change doesn't stress me the way it used to (for the most part, I still like my routine) and I adapt and do what needs to be done whether I like it or not and attempt to do so with little or no complaining.

Husband is out of town with his sister visiting their family for the evening, I'm not complaining because we've had company for over a week now. I welcomed the quiet and alone time with my kiddos. We had dinner together and they went off to play while I cleaned the kitchen... and then I finish and go back to check on them. Not one, but TWO enormous spots of paint missing from not one, but TWO of our bedroom doors. My children -never- do things like this. I mean, never. I was VERY angry because this time, I knew it was my son. He is extremely intelligent and I know that he knows better. His sister pulled some of it off earlier and he was there when she was disciplined for it. So several hours later he does the same thing, why? I wanted to lose my temper. Take away his toys, spank his bottom or put him to bed early. I excused myself to calm down, returned to his room and asked him why he'd done it. He kind of mumbled for a little while and then I asked "Did you pull the paint off of your door?" He responded (sadly) that he had. Little kids automatically want to put the blame away from them, they don't want to disappoint their parents and they don't want to be in trouble. Still, he told me the truth and admitted what he had done. I told him that I was upset and that I was very disappointed in him. That he was a smart boy and he knew better and that what he did was not okay. I explained that his sister had been in trouble earlier in the day for the exact same thing. I asked him if he had anything to say and he said "I just love you, mom. I'm so sorry I did that and I just want to tell the truth."

In that moment, I felt that it was an opportunity to teach him something. He's 5 now, and this was a chance for a life lesson on his level. I explained to him that everyone, even (especially) mommies and daddies and grown-ups do things that they shouldn't do and that God forgives us when we do them because He loves us. I told him that I would love him no matter what, but that it didn't mean I was any less disappointed in his behavior. That I didn't like what he did, but that it would never, ever change how I felt about him or how much I loved him. We talked, I explained to him that he was going to have his toys taken away and go to bed early and he would get them back tomorrow. He said he knew I loved him and apologized again for what he'd done. I just said we weren't going to do it again and we weren't going to talk about it again. Forgive, forget and move on.

I feel good about it. I could've lost my temper, shown him I was angry and missed the opportunity to teach my child something important. Instead, he learned that there are boundaries and limitations- and he is also learning the concept of forgiveness and unconditional love by deliberate example. (Even on your best behavior, kids will always repeat what you'd rather they didn't). My mother was never around for me, ever. I grew up wondering what I could've possibly done and 1 year old to make her take off and have more kids and really not look back and make an effort with the daughter she left behind. Looking at my kids, I could not fathom leaving them for any reason that was within my control. You'd have to literally kill me. I made a promise to myself that I would do better than my mom did, and though I'm far from a perfect mom, I feel that I've kept that promise to myself and to my kiddos. My dad raised me in a way that I knew, without a single doubt, that whatever I did, wherever I went, he would love me no matter what.

I am constantly faced with things that make me despise adulthood. We live in a cruel, sad, corrupt world and sometimes it makes me sick to think my children will have to grow up in it. But it is so fulfillng to tell your children something and know by the look on their face and the feeling of their little arms around your neck that they -really- understood what you were saying to them. I'm so blessed to have such great kids... even when I stress and worry about who they will become and if I'm doing the right things raising them, they never cease to amaze me with how truly good they are.

Sometimes being an adult isn't all that bad, at least not the mommy bits of it.

"There he is, my little man. I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then. And I pray to God that when he does, I'll be just as understanding as my father was. Cause the last thing that I wanna do is let him down. So instead of bein' angry, I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say 'In the sunlight or the rain, brighest nights or darkest days, I'll always feel the same way. Whatever road you may be on, know you're never too far gone. My love is there, wherever you may be. Just remember that you'll always be my baby.'"