We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

I keep trying to figure out how we've already been in SoCal for 7 months... has it really already been that long? In the last 7 months we've been to Texas, Kansas, Colorado, Utah, Nevada (Vegas!) and California- not including the other places we drove through. Since we've lived here we've done beach trips, Hollywood, Santa Monica Pier, Disneyland, California Adventure, Legoland, Sea World, San Diego Zoo Safari Park.... and I'm certain that I'm missing some things. Military life can be very challenging... missing my hubby a LOT when he is away, but we certainly are rewarded with some amazing adventures. :)

The most recent was our Sea World trip this past weekend. Disneyland was wonderful, it was magical and exciting... but Sea World was just flat out more FUN.I didn't feel as stressed thinking we were going to miss out. I love the mystery of Disney and all the hidden stuff there, but it was nice to just enjoy everything without feeling rushed. We got there right when they opened and had time to see some things before it got crazy. A beluga whale swam RIGHT up to our kiddos and put its nose on the glass...

And now I'm obsessed. We MUST do a beluga encounter before we leave here.

I can't even begin to explain what it was like to see this. It was floating in the water on the other side and just swam directly to them. Was it probably a trainer trick? Yeah. But to have it happen to them was just a magical memory. Even better? I happened to be recording it on my phone. I'll have to figure out a way to get it on here.

We rode some rides, went to all but one of the shows (the cirque de-la whatever).. Dolphins and whales make me cry. There's just something about them and I cannot control myself. I love them! It was a great adventure... totally worth the $580 it would cost us for season passes. :) 

Almost 13 hours at the park.. was worth every minute! We finished with the Shamu Rocks show and some fireworks... absolutely spectacular. I really prefer the Sea World in San Diego to the one in San Antonio. The only thing I missed out on from TX was being able to actually feed the dolphins, but our kiddos still got to see them up close and touch one, so all is well. 

I think our next adventure is to visit my husband's mom in the San Francisco area. Who will be crossing the golden gate bridge off her bucket list VERY soon? This girl! Also on my list for this summer is the San Diego Zoo. The Safari Park didn't impress me, but I hear the zoo is absolutely amazing. :) We are making the most of our time here and I am grateful to be married to someone who loves to explore and have adventures as much as I do. I was terrified to leave my tiny town where I'd lived all my life and move on to other things. Trusted in my amazing husband, took about a year to get my bearings outside of the only home I'd ever known... but now I'm not sure I could ever move back. I love to go new places and see new things. I think 3 years here is just about enough to make some great memories. :)

"Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand."

I had a moment with my little girl tonight that I honestly didn't think would come for several years. She struggles mildly with her speech articulation. Great vocabulary, understands what you are saying to her, she just has to train her tongue with certain sounds. She's made and continues to make excellent strides with a great teacher and practice. She barely qualified for speech classes because it was so mild. But still, people underestimate her.

Sometimes I think I make my kiddos littler than they are. I know they are sweet and smart and thoughtful in their own way. But I guess I also don't think them likely to ponder life's big questions. I was wrong. 

Emily and I are outside getting the patio ready for s'mores and she said "remember when we made s'mores with my papa and nana?" I said I did and she got quiet like she was thinking and said "mommy? Do you have a mom?" I told her yes and she said "what's she called?" I said her name... And she said "um, is she my grandma?" I am in awe of her. No articulation problem. She knew exactly what she wanted to ask and she said it. It stings... I won't lie. I have asked myself that same question many times. DO I have one? Obviously someone carried and delivered me into this world... But she isn't my mom in the sense that I am a mom to my kids. And my sweet girl knows the difference. Maybe I'm doing something right…

                                      

I feel sad for her that she's not even 5 and put that together completely on her own. She's 3 months shy of five years old and she KNOWS who comes in and out of her life. Maybe they learned that from having a daddy in the military. They know he loves them and wants to be with them, but that it's not always possible for him to be. I wish I could protect them from knowing that they have family who is rarely around for them, but at the same time I am SO proud of them for making those connections on their own. At 4 and 6 they know that it's not about gifts or cards every other year... It's about who is ALWAYS there. Even when they're not able to be. They understand that people come in and out of their lives when it's convenient for them and they understand who is always there for them. And I'm so glad that my dad married someone who is so wonderful with them, who took them in and loves them like her blood. I'm thankful that because of her, they will understand the love of a grandmother the way I have/do. Who makes sure they know how important they are, always. Who gives them her time and really shows them that they are valuable to her. From personal experience, that is irreplaceable. It's the kind of mom I strive to be. At the same time it makes me sad that they have already figured out that some people are only in their lives half of the time, if that and by choice. I hope they don't dwell on it for long, it is hurtful and I only want them surrounded by love. In a perfect world, right?

I hope everyone had a great Father's Day weekend! Wish I could have spent time with mine. I am fairly sure that my husband had a pretty good one. We grilled, enjoyed family time, had s'mores and made most of our one day together before he is back to work. I should add… That won't we were enjoying our s'mores, a giant spider decided to land on my arm. We turn on a light to kill it with fire and discover a black widow in a grab directly behind us. I scrubbed off about a layer of my skin… But it still creeps me out! Tomorrow I start working with my kids preparing them for school. Lots of beach and playtime planned for the summer, but I don't want them to get too out of the school habit! What are everyone's summer plans? Our big plans include sea world, San Diego zoo and our last Disneyland day!

The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days waiting for better ones ahead.

"Telling someone they shouldn't be upset because someone might have it worse is just like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because someone else has it better. Don't be condescending, everyone fights their own battles."

Elaborating a little... and I'm already off track in my head, so bear with me.

I enjoy Pinterest. You might say I love it... Like just about everyone else who has an account, I find myself pouring over it pinning all the things I "should" be doing. Things I "will" do "someday." Going strictly off of pinterest... I should have a perfectly clean, organized house full of things I DIY-ed, while maintaining insane workout routines,  having perfect hair, quoting witty sayings, making gourmet meals with food that I got for free from extreme couponing while crafting WITH professional pictures of it all while juggling my perfectly behaved children.

Um, what?

Seriously, I'm going to apply most of those things to my life at some point. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not. I'll try... but why? Because it's fun? To feel fulfilled? To impress other people? To live up to an expectation set by... who? We are too hard on ourselves and each other as women. Do I respect women from older generations who DID all these things? Absolutely. They fed their kids and made everything from complete scratch, made their clothes, kept their houses spotless... and times were MUCH simpler. Less distractions, it was the norm. Have you seen the some card (I can't find it, boo!) that says "Where is the cooking show with a screaming child at your feet while you try to microwave a vegetable?" True THAT! My kids are too old to cry at my feet while I'm cooking... they've progressed to "is it done yet?" *pause* "Is it done NOW?" and when I finally say "yes"... "Um, I'm not eating that." Face palm. You liked it last week child, eat.

I am all about trying to be Supermom. That's what I strive for. But sometimes I just want to breathe. Let my house just go for a day and do something else instead. Feed them a happy meal (not an actual happy meal though, Mickey D's has lost my business with their pink slime). Wear my messy bun and not put it on the side of my head to make it appear that I actually tried. Do I enjoy crafts? Just as much as the next girl! But I enjoyed them a lot more when I was doing them, not organizing them and then scrubbing finger paint off the floor and other random surfaces. I think it's important for them to experiment and to learn by doing these things, but I don't want to feel like it needs to be done every single day. Structure is important... but so is freedom to play and use your own imagination. I am JUST learning to make a lot of things from scratch... when your kids are 15 months apart, you kind of get by teaching yourself to do things as quickly, cleanly and as painlessly as possible. If you don't, someone's going to probably get hurt. Or you'll end up picking 200 dvds up off the floor and wiping unknown substances from the walls. So I used the short cuts and I don't apologize for it. My kids are 4 1/2 and 6... no major emergencies or hospitalizations or broken anything. I do NOT apologize for short cuts, they're my friends. I avoid HFC (high fructose corn syrup), my kids aren't allowed soda, we eat as much fresh fruit and veggies as possible... but I hate anything that requires flour so bisquick is a staple. I like the frozen pillsbury biscuits. Processed food? No bueno. But in small amounts, I let it slide.

Do we NEED to juggle it all? Probably not. Do we try? Sure. Is it good enough? For who? As long as it's enough for my husband and kids, I'm only answering to God and the person in the mirror. It's good enough and where it's not, I'm working on it. People are always going to judge you. No matter who you are, where you are or what you're doing. And honestly, people may be nosy, but I doubt MOST people (not all, there are some major creepers/stalkers out there) actually care if you made bread from scratch or used a mix. Unless they want your recipe. :)

I think I am finally at the age where I don't care if people think my life is perfect. I don't need to have all the answers. I don't NEED to be SuperMom (I still want to though, don't judge me). I am just content. If I order the stuff in my house from etsy, who cares if I didn't make it myself? I supported someone else's business and spent that time with my kids instead. If I DID decide to make it myself, wouldn't you say I earned time to myself to do something I enjoy? If I make a box of hamburger helper or buy my kids a fast food meal, the sky isn't going to fall. Would I make a habit of it? No. But things don't need to be perfect all the time. I blame social media, and I've been guilty of it.... but why can't people just mind their own business? Particularly people who don't actually know you in any way. But being associated with someone doesn't give them a right to tell you how to live either. I have my hands full enough with my own life to spend time and effort obsessing over how someone else lives theirs. Being there for friends would be an obvious exception, I'm talking about meddling in the lives of those who haven't given you permission to do so.

What about the new mom who's baby is crying for long periods of time? Does it bug some people? Maybe. But you don't know her story, mind your business. The people who put their kids on a "leash"...? Everyone has an opinion. I certainly did. "They're kids, not dogs, they shouldn't be on leashes. Raise them right." Then I HAD a kid of my own. K was easy and no problem, but you had better believe the ONE and only time my very young at the time daughter let go of my hand for half a second and a car drove past, I bought one of those "leashes". I didn't yank her around, I held her hand and if she wanted to let go, I stayed close to her. But if she TRIED to get too far away in a danger zone, she couldn't. It truly kept her safe several times when she attempted to move away while I was juggling something in or out of the car. It's not for all the time, but you have to be in a situation to know how you'd handle it. The toddler acting out in the grocery store? Yeah, we all say we would handle it differently. You spank them, people stare. (Or where I live now, I hear they call CPS) You try to ignore the behavior, people stare and wonder why you're not doing anything. Maybe that toddler is having a hard time because their dad is deployed. Maybe their mom just got a new job and had to leave them with a sitter. Maybe they're tired. Maybe they lack the verbal skills to communicate what's bothering them. Maybe they don't feel good and their single parent doesn't have a choice but to bring them to the store for their medicine. Who knows? If no one is in danger, it's nobody's business.

It's almost like we are holding ourselves and others to an unrealistic standard and pushing like crazy to meet a standard that's really not set by anyone who even matters. I'm trying to make menu plans and coupon and driving myself crazy to get the best deals, etc. And my kids and husband would honestly be happy with cereal for dinner once a week. Obviously not realistic for nutritional purposes, but it alleviates a lot of pressure to be aware of that.

Point... don't be so hard on yourself. Do your best and that's all you or anyone can ask. It's good enough. I wish I hadn't taken SO long to figure that out.

End rant. :)

Love your story.

This is a tough one for me to share, like most people, I prefer to wrestle my demons in private. My friend shared a photo recently that said...

"Talk to yourself like you would someone you love."


I was raised to believe, and do believe that God created each of us in His image. We are perfectly made by Him, we are all beautiful and unique and amazing in our own way and we are all on this earth for a reason. No matter your race, no matter your age, size, hair color... whatever... you were designed by God and are special.

All that said, 6 months ago... I based the worth of myself as a human being by how much I weighed and what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I was not happy. I was upset with myself and to this day, I'm just not sure what happened. I don't know if I just needed to do what I wanted, if I lost my mind or if there was more going on. I drank WAY too much soda and seriously over indulged in whatever I wanted. I would never look at someone I love and think they needed to lose weight. I would never think the things about them that I was thinking about myself. Didn't stop me from thinking those things when I looked in a mirror or tried on clothes and constantly at random moments throughout my day. It was a bit of a self-loathing obsession. I had given up on myself- I kept doing what I was doing because I never thought I would ever be able to do it, I felt hopeless. If someone I loved said that to me- I would argue with them. I would build them up and tell them they are capable of anything they wanted to do.

WHY do we do that? To ourselves, other people? For a world who talks so much about tolerance for any and everything (not that I agree or condone that in all aspects), where is the love for ourselves? And how can we expect others to love us if we don't do the same? I'm not talking about being self-absorbed, but acknowledging that you're valuable as a human being regardless of what you look like, what your talents are or anything else. Are there people out there who I think the world would be better without them? Possibly.. Murderers, pedophiles, etc. But they have souls and that's not MY place to judge. They will answer to God one day for their decisions as I will answer for mine. Personally, I have my hands too full wrestling my own demons to criticize how someone else handles theirs.

6 months ago I wasn't happy with myself. I had told myself countless times I would change my life. It lasted at most a month or two and then I would either gradually or rapidly go back to unhealthy habits. I had a little bit of help when I got influenza from my son and lost roughly 12 lbs in a week or so. But I only gave up dark sodas so it didn't take long between traveling (moving) and drinking sugary drinks, etc to gain back most of what I'd lost. Then I decided it was time to stop faking it, gave up soda completely, started watching my portion sizes and trying to eat healthier.I'm not as diligent as I should be with my exercise, that's a goal- but I actually made solid, consistent changes. Down 15 pounds and almost 2 pant sizes later.... I can vouch that it changes how you feel about yourself, how you carry yourself and how those things make you treat others differently. If you're not happy with yourself, how can you be happy with someone else? I feel accomplished. Not where I want to be yet, but certainly a lot closer. I can't really SEE a huge difference, but I can feel it in how my clothes fit. I feel more balanced, if that makes sense. I don't wake up feeling bloated or hating myself for whatever I consumed the day before. I'm not the insecure mess I used to be- I still have my days but I'm on my way to something better. For me, for a long life with my soul-mate and watching our babies grow into who they are meant to be. Because I can.

This is at my husband's promotion ceremony, at my heaviest weight (which I will not share until I'm ready, but someday).... and the second picture is from last week at -13 lbs. Almost exactly 6 months later. I wish I had measured inches on my arms, waist, legs, etc. I even wish I had taken more pictures from "Before" because I feel like it would help me give myself more credit for where I am now. But, I wasn't keen on having my photo taken then... and I wouldn't have at all had it not been my husband's promotion ceremony. I'm glad I have those. I'm glad I can look back and see what I never want to be again.

Never give up on who you want to be. Whether it's a fitness goal, an educational goal, personal goal, professional goal... just do it. Don't make excuses, do it. Pure and simple. No one can hold you back except for you. I'm going to take a break from these until I can hit my -20 or -25 lb mark. My goal is to start exercising and toning- ready for an active summer in this gorgeous, sunny state. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go... but I'm closer than I was. Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me and who continues to push me on this journey. I am grateful.

Countdown...

10 days till Disneyland and California adventure!!! :) feeling like it's going to fly by...

Countdown... Disney trip obsessing.

I have dreamt about going to a Disney park since I was a little girl. I was never a girly girl, it didn't consume my thought process, it's just something I knew I wanted on my bucket list. In 18 days... We are all but there! My ultimate goal is Walt Disney World in Florida followed by the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at universal studios. Since we live in California... This is enough for now. Who knows where the military will send us next anyway? :)

I'm a little bit obsessed with this trip... I'll admit it. Who wouldn't be? We live in a world where ugly, terrible things happen. All the time. Everywhere. I'm looking forward to an escape to a place where we can all be kids. (2 of us more responsible and considerably taller, haha). I'm excited for the pictures our kids will have to look back on, the autograph books and the memories that they will hopefully cherish and share with their kids. I love that they are at the age where it is still magical and "real". I spent 45 minutes filling an entire page with a list of pictures we HAVE to snap on top of the thousand random shots I'm sure we will take as we go. Before, arriving, the castle- family, us, kids, statues, characters, rides, food, and I could probably go on all day. I have all but decided to snap pictures  on the 10 day countdown with the kids for the scrapbook. I don't think it's even hit them yet because we have been so busy. I just want to jump up and down every day!

Suggestions? Things others have enjoyed? Favorites from trips as a kid? I feel at a slight disadvantage never having seen it-- I want it to be the best it can possibly be for them. D

18 days. Eeeek!

Photography is the beauty of life, captured.

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.” 


My husband gives me a -really- hard time, and to be honest, it's not easy to admit it. I have... give or take 20,000 photos on facebook. No where near what's on my collective phones, cameras and laptop. But that's a big number for less than 5 years.

I was one of those "I'm a new mom and I have to snap a picture of every single cute thing my kids do" people. They're 15 months apart and went through milestones really close together... LOTS of pictures. Add in all the stupid "shares", photos of nothing particularly important and the blurry shots that I just never take the time to go back and delete. I'm not sorry though. They're memories. The thing about pictures is that people change. I have great pictures with people who were really important to me, and now we're BARELY acquaintances. I have pictures from 20 years ago that are still precious to me- the people in them and the memories that go along with it. Even though my kids are getting older and growing every day, I have pieces of paper (and digital images) with memories of them when they were teeny tiny. I have pictures of their first teeth, first haircut, first steps... every birthday, every party. Even a lot of details. It seems excessive, right? Too much, maybe? I disagree. Life has taught me several important lessons, these particular few, in the last 10  years. Life is short and people die. And when they die, all their memories die with them- unless those memories can be shared. By word of mouth- family member to friend/family, etc. Or by photos.

With a picture, a story has potential to last many years beyond the person in the photograph. You always think "I'll see them later", "I'll talk to them next time" or "I have plenty of time to do this or that with my kids".  I made that mistake with my great grandparents, and one morning I woke up and one was gone... two weeks after that, the other. Even more recently, our family lost a loved one who should've had a lot more time. We caught ourselves thinking "We'll take more pictures next time". Now there won't be a next time. And when people are gone, you will always wish you had more pictures. More memories. More mementos. It's never going to be as good as having that person, but it's something to hold onto. Something to help you remember when you start to forget little things that you take for granted when you see someone every day.

I have days like everyone else (More than I'll admit to you, that's for sure) that I wake up and think "ew, my hair" or "I feel bloated today" or "Yep, definitely don't look like I slept last night." I don't want to be in a picture... I'll happily stay behind the camera and snap pictures of my beautiful children. Then I wonder what if? What if something happened and my kids had to grow up without me or my husband? We're not promised tomorrow. I could fall out of bed, hit my head and never wake up. That's morbid and I'm not really going to go there... the point is, my kids deserve to have pictures of their mother being involved in their lives. They may or may not remember the vacations we've taken, trips to the zoo, hikes, beach days, etc. I can look back at pictures of my girl scout father daughter dance... my dad hates country music. Always has, always will (I'm sure of it). He dressed up in cowboy boots and took me to that father daughter dance anyway. There are photographs of my grandma and I washing dishes, baking, etc. A picture of my grandfather holding me as a tiny baby walking towards the sunset... he did it every day after work. Showed me trees and clouds and flowers. I love these stories and memories. I love that my dad went out of his comfort zone for me. I love that my grandma gave me her time and shared her stories and experiences with me... that's something my mother never did. I love knowing that even though my grandpa is a super-serious guy most of the time, who has never been particularly affectionate, he was soft and loves us even when he doesn't verbalize it. I love that my kids will have that. I enjoy being able to SHOW them when they ask me about something. "What was it like when I was in your tummy"? I have ultrasounds and pregnancy photos with journals of what I was craving, what made me sick. I have photos of every stage of their lives and all the changes that have occurred as they grow. Anyone who's had or been near a newborn baby can tell you... that they change completely even in the few weeks after they're born. So by the time my kids are 4 and almost 6, it's easy to forget the soft baby hair and the chubby cheeks. I see my son with his missing tooth and have to force myself to remember what it was like when it was the other one around.. at one time he was so tiny, he only HAD one tooth. It's easier for me to watch my kids grow up when I know that I try my best to appreciate them to the fullest. How could you not? They drive me crazy just as much as the next mom... but you have to make the I love you's and the happy times count for more than the days you want to rip your hair out. For the record, I record those days too. The day my daughter put an entire roll of toilet paper IN the toilet. When K-monster used purple finger nail polish to paint his brand new, $100 buzz lightyear dresser. And at the time, it was a nightmare. Now I look back and giggle. Because they are my babies, and that's part of what makes them who they are.


I love pictures. I love taking them, looking at them, scrapbooking them, sharing them with family and friends. Maybe it's my love language. But I think they're important, and I don't want to have regrets. I want to be 80-something years old and look back at a life full of memories, and pass them on to share with our kid's kids.

Ironically, this is my post without any pictures. :)